Asking for her hand

This is part 3 of what has become part of a book that I must write from now 15 years of travel and intense search for truth, transcendence and accepting human life I guess. I have taken the the feedback from the previous parts where I had try to make it digestible, so many details, and I will keep some of the details for the book that will arrive at some point. Its a pleasure for me to think back at these memoires, and to observe my younger self on this quest and the courage and ignorance that has followed my ever unfolding path. If you have not read the previous parts you can find them here.

I arrived in Denmark and started working.

A perfect gig for where I was. 

I had a custom of coming home to Denmark, the exotic boy with long hair, the Puer as they he is called. I would always find at least one girl to spend the summer with, and work carpentry on the side.

This time I was different.

My oath that I had signed as a Brahma charaya was a strong agreement in me. 

No Tinder. Just stay focused. 

No pleasures of the mind.

So I did.

I worked six days a week. Ten hour days, sometimes more. I didn't listen to music, only when I was really down in energy, then I listened to bhajans, Indian hymns, which supported me in my devotion.

Didn't speak to my friends. Didn't speak to anyone. Didn't reach out. 

Thought it was all distractions of the mind.

One 6am morning, going to the car to go to work, we were at the beginning of autumn. 

I looked up at the sky and the sky was pink. Rosy. 

And I was reminded of Prem Shakti.

A woman I had met at the first Kundalini yoga festival in France about 2 years before.

We had met each other at a healing workshop. 

When we did the round of names her name stood out, and she stood out. 

Indian in heritage. Beautiful in her white clothes. 

Prem Shakti.

The only name I remember from that round.

We ended up sitting next to each other as the teacher was guiding us into what we were supposed to do. 

When he had finished his talk he said go find a partner. 

She was sitting right next to me.

She took a sip of her water. I felt it was an excuse to wait to be asked. I knew it in fact. Then she looked to the side and I looked at her with the invitation in my eyes and she pointed oh, you and me?

I looked at her and said yes.

We did this practice together.

And when I was giving her the healing, which is an untouched healing, I got this image of her in the pink sky, as an all pervading mother.

We ended up doing White Tantra together for two of the days. 

White Tantra is an intense practice of Kundalini yoga. 

Ten hours of practice the first day. Eight on the next. 

I ended in spontaneous kriyas and involuntary convulsions during the practice. Something that would follow me until recently.

We cried, laughed, went deep, fell in love,  everything, in those intense moments of long practice, up to 62 minutes per meditation.

Brilliant practice in fact.

The last evening we spent together. Not sexual,  just hanging out.

It felt fresh. Different from other women I would usually be with. We didn't kiss or anything. But the bond was strong.

The day after she left spontaneously. I saw her just before by coincidence and we exchanged contacts.

At the ceremony of Changa in Mexico she had come to me (read part 2)

With the medicine, I climbed a hill and sat watching the sunset in Mexico, her lips had come to me. I can still remember this image. Super sensual and slow.

When I arrived back from the journey I was high on her. And I wrote to her, after we hadn't been in contact since France.

Fast forward eight months or so from Mexico

A cold crisp Danish morning going to work.

I looked up at the sky and saw that pink sky again.

I hadn't thought about her since the journey in Mexico.

I took my phone and wrote something like, Pink sky. Thinking of you.

The first contact I had had with anyone, and especially a woman, in a long time.

She wrote back.

And the ball rolled from there.

We started having seven hour long phone calls in the night.

We would almost fall a sleep with each other on the phone .

I decided to take the bus to Amsterdam to meet her.

I remember thinking, before becoming a monk I've got to try this.

She didn't pick me up at the bus. I took public transport.

I remember walking over the bridge to the island she lived on in Amsterdam, listening to Pandit Jasraj, Ganga Stotram, a hymn to the Goddess of the water.

I ended up staying with her for twelve days in Amsterdam. 

High on the feminine after almost a year of repression.

I went back and continued working.

For about a week.

One Wednesday midday I said I quite, left the job, packed my stuff and took the night bus back to Amsterdam and moved in with her.

She had a beautiful place.

She was a mix of spirituality and business. She had worked for a big TV company and had turned to Tantra. She was of Indian descent.

She brought me back into the world. Showed me how to mix spiritual with business.

Everything felt new. Fresh. Alive.

Starting a life in Amsterdam, why not?

We were together for about two and a half years.

In that time I started teaching all that I had learned, coach young men, and got to teach professional Football from Ajax Amsterdam. 

Taught boxing, yoga, gave massage. 

All the things I had learned, I finally started offering. 

But stepping into that from twelve years of pretty much solo travelling and monk hideaway from the world was quite an overwhelm. 

Dealing with a very femininen woman's emotions,  after not only a tremendous amount of inner work, but also the peaceful comfort of aloneness.

I began studying Neo-Tantra. Non violent communication. Eventually the work of David Deida and John Wineland. I joined a men's group.

All of which helped the situation but didn't solve the frustrations of arguments. 

All fuelled by the doubt of ‘’have I made the right choice?’’

Monkhood felt like a longed for friend.

Eventually Covid hit.

We had split up a couple of times. 

And the final stroke came at some point.

We were about 2 years in. 

I had even bought a car so I could take long drives and camp out when I really needed alone time.

One day I packed the car and drove to a friend in Utrecht. 

I was going to drive back to Denmark the following day. The car was packed with all my stuff.

I woke up at 3am to do a yoga practice, to get ready and limber for the nine hour drive back.

And I will never forget, I got stuck in a posture in the middle of it. 

Like frozen.

A rain of thoughts that felt like realisations came through.

I thought, we've got to marry. I just need more commitment. That's why I am flaky.

And I started creating this whole plan.

Buying a diamond ring. Googled the store. Only opens at 9am. 

Thought, I am going to drive to her traditional Indian father. 

Ask for her hand.

I found his number. Asked him if he was home. I drove to the store with my dear friend I was staying with.

Bought an expensive diamond ring. 

Drove to her father an hour and a half away.

Asked for her hand.

He gave it lovingly.

I headed back for Amsterdam.

I arrived without giving notice.

She opened the door. 

After a short time I dropped to the floor.

She said yes.

It felt good.

And I did believe I needed commitment.

And to be honest, I did.

Still during the pandemic, after a while she gave the ring back during an argument.

We got back together again.

I was getting really sick of the drama and didn't feel like I could get out of it.

We went to Lanzarote together for a retreat for Neo-Tantra teachers during the pandemic. 

Great and prominent teachers from the community. 

We were there for two and a half months.

During that time she gave the ring back one more time.

When she got it back I said-

Don't ever give it back again.

Tantra people are very emotional, very expressive people. 

And so there was lots of drama in this self created community. 

Famous teachers teaching about love, and here there was a war raging between them. 

The leader and main conductor is quite the queen character. God bless her.

It was a great two and a half months.

But eventually my partner got into a heated argument with the main group and we left for Ibiza.

Everything was strange in these times.

To travel, you needed tests and papers and all kinds of bull

.

My partner didn't want to take the nose test, so I went in and took one and we copied her name on it. 

A practice I had used for most of this whole theatre.

We arrived in Ibiza. In the most amazing casa on a hillside.

This woman could really manifest. I've got to say.

We had about a month there.

Until finally, she gave the ring back in an argument.

That was it for me.

Enough, I said.

I took a taxi to Ibiza town. No people there due to the lock down. Found an apartment. 

Started to look for housing.

I loved Ibiza. I thought, I can stay here.

But I knew I needed to get away. 

The island was too small.

Otherwise we would end up together again.

I sat in meditation one evening.

In Lanzarote I had spent time with people who talked highly of Ayahuasca. 

I had tried it one time on the mountain with the tribe of the Sundance, it had been beautiful, but nothing like what they were talking about.

I had looked at tickets for India and Brazil. India was expensive. Brazil was about a hundred euros. Super cheap.

I sat in that meditation and all of a sudden, again from the blue, the thought came.

Maybe I should ask my friend Shawn to come to Brazil.

I opened the corner of my eyes. Saw my phone on the cushion.

Quickly grabbed it and wrote,

Wanna go to Brazil this Sunday? I'll pay.

I sat back down and felt the rush of excitement and thoughts.

Not even five minutes later he wrote back.

How about Tuesday?

I thought, damn it. Now I have to do it.

I said okay.

I bought the tickets. It was Thursday.

I told her, after a bit of drama, everything was good. 

We spent a night together before I left. 

She drove me to the airport.

I balled my fucking eyes out walking to the door of the airport. 

Looking back at her.

Still carry that image so strong.

I remember this stiff Spanish cop at the door asking me why I was going, because of the Covid thing. 

I couldn't say anything. 

I was literally snot and tears.

I met Shawn in Madrid.

And off to Brazil we were.

We travelled around São Paulo and went to Rio.

The lockdown was there (Brazilian style)

I asked the guy from the Tantra retreat about Ayahuasca and he just said —

Pray for her to guide you.

And I did..